Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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