I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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