my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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