I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
