Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
