True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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