I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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