Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
