Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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