Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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