mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
we're chasing vodka with high fives
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
