I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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