i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
