never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
