I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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