its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
