Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize