Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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