Jerry, you need to find god
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
