12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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