You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
