Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
