1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
