I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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