I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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