i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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