I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
