All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
