it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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