youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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