I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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