All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Randomize
