so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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