I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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