my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
