i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Don't make out with my wife yet
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Randomize
