Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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