I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize