thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
