Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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