this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
