wanna go halves on a baby?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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