dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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