I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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