She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
not ubering you a puppy
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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