i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize