I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
