I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
