I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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