Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
