I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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