What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
