i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
