Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
