Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
its liver damage thursday
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