She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
