OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
