My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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